Bloodrage
by Circus Meister
Summary: Nepeta had heard about Bloodrages before but didn't really think they could happen to her quiet, albeit e%ceptionally STRONG moirail. However, she's been watching him get more and more aggressive everyday as he reaches maturity.


Nepeta took Equius' bandaged hand and gently lead him away towards her cave. His skin felt cold and unusually dry as they stumbled the short distance between hives in silence. Oddly, he didn't resist (if he had, her efforts would have been totally useless) but instead followed her obediently, his face void of expression. One of the lenses on his shades was shattered giving Nepeta a rare glimpse at his eyes. They were blue now. Blue and empty.

When they had descended the hill from Equius' hive to hers, he seemed to become lucid enough to realize what was happening and where they were headed. He stiffened just front of the entrance and his blank expression twisted into anxiety. He began to back up, refusing to enter, until Nepeta slid her hand out of his and put her arms around his broad shoulders as best she could in a gentle hug. She pressed her face against his bloodied shirt and heard his heart racing but she stood with him, rocking them both gently until the rhythm slowed. "You're in control," she whispered. Retaking his hand, she guided him through the mouth of the cave. Her lusus had been watching the pair and tilted her head in confusion. Why were they bloodied and bandaged? She had never seen her grub's blue friend so... distressed. She opened her mouths to ask Nepeta what was going on but her cub only shook her head solemnly to indicate that this was not the time for questions and continued leading Equius into her respiteblock. Once the door had shut, Pounce de Leon laid down a respectable distance away, but kept her ears pricked to any strange goings on.

Inside, Nepeta sat Equius down in one of her pelt piles. Although he usually hated to touch the things, disgusted by the reminder of Nepeta's passion for killing forest beasts, Equius sat without complaint. He even let Nepeta push his shoulders into the soft skins so that he was lying down. Nepeta was becoming more and more unsettled by his behaviour. She had never seen him like this. The closest thing she could think of is when he had heard Aradia had been killed. He had become quiet like this, but then it had been evident that an underlying rage and sadness was boiling under his silence. Now there was nothing. It was almost enough to make Nepeta cry. But she couldn't. She had to be strong for her moirail right now. He had never needed her more and she had never pitied anyone like she pitied him. So, dry-eyed, she lay down beside Equius and pressed herself into his side and nuzzled her face against his neck. "Equius," she murmured against his cold skin, "You're gonna be okay".

* * *

Before then, Nepeta had only ever heard about bloodrages. They were kind of like an urban legend that everybody her age sorta knew about but never really thought about too much. She'd heard that once highbloods had matured, they became instinctually and unavoidably violent. Bloodthirsty even. But she never really considered that true because of Equius. He was one of the highest highbloods she knew and even though he was freakishly strong he was the biggest softie she'd ever met. He would _never_ use his unequalled strength to hurt anyone or anything (on purpose anyway). Sure he liked fighting robots to make him STRONG or whatever, but he was a sweetheart. He didn't even eat meat for goodness sake!

It had been only a few days after his fifth wiggling day when that had changed. He had always been sullen and cranky, but now it was different. There was something raging inside him. A constant burn. Anything could set him off; a broken glass of milk, an uncooperative wire, a certain cat-troll who kept asking to FLARP. He hadn't quite known what to do, so he started breaking things. He stopped building the little artful trinkets, like tiny hoofbeasts and Nepeta's tail, and spent his time exclusively making his sparring bots. He was losing teeth, losing sleep and losing friends and Nepeta was getting a little worried, but it would be fine once he got it all out of his system right? Unfortunately, as time went by, it only got worse. He had barricaded himself in his hive as it devolved into little more than a robot graveyard. The night Aradia died, Nepeta had come to check up on him and found his hive trashed and one of his horns broken. He was sitting at his workbench, blood streaming from his horn and knuckles as he shakily fumbled with plans for a new robot model. The pencil was smeared and illegible through the blood dripping from his hands onto the paper, but Equius didn't really seem to notice. Nepeta had tried to wrap her arms around him and get him to sleep but he had shaken her off with an angry grunt, eyes never leaving the paper. Nepeta hadn't really known what to say so she just sat and watched him plan until the sun came up. She considered that night one of her greatest failures as a moirail and had resolved never to let Equius suffer like that again.

Half a sweep later, everything was back to normal and the incident was behind them. Equius continued to become more volatile but he seemed to have it under control. Nepeta came by to visit and Equius was hard at work building his robots as usual.

"Tacklepounce!" she cried, knocking him out of his chair and onto his back. "Oof!" he wheezed and Nepeta cackled, sitting on his chest.

"I get you every time Stinkquius! But then again, how could you ever detect this mouseter huntress?" She booped his nose and he grumbled, "I was concentrating on my work."

"Oh that's no excuse! A good huntpurr is always aware of their surroundings." Equius huffed and sat up while she was still sitting on his chest. She giggled as she rolled into his lap.

"Stop this foolishness Nepeta. What if you had startled me into reflexive retaliation? You could have been hurt." She stuck her tongue out at him and crossed her arms. "Like you'd ever hurt me. Besides, mew don't have a single reflex in your entire sweaty body. Watch!" Suddenly, she threw a punch at his face but stopped just before she made contact. Equius only continued to scowl. "See! Ya didn't even flinch ya weirdo!"

"Nonetheless, it is childish and you will stop."

"Hmm," Nepeta put her finger to her chin and hummed in fake contemplation, "How 'bout no?"

"Yes."

"Nope! It's fun and I know mew love it!" Equius couldn't really argue those points so he stayed silent.

A while later, Equius was back to working on his robot and Nepeta was standing behind him braiding his hair. She had it in a bunch of little loose braids that she was currently gathering up to make a big ponytail on the top of his head. She giggled softly at the prospect of Equius with a big hair-tree sprouting out of his head. Arthour walked in to deliver Equius' hourly glass of milk. Equius took the glass and very carefully attempted to pat Arthour on the head in thanks but accidentally floored him instead. Nepeta felt sorry for the lusus but knew he was a tough guy and was actually really proud of his charge's strength. Equius however, growled in frustration and clenched his fists, shattering the glass and embedding debris under his skin. He had clutched his hand in pain and stood up quickly but knocked his entire work table to the ground in the process. A bolt flew into the air and shattered one of his already cracked lenses. He had roared with anger and, with a kick, sent the table flying into the wall where the it tore one of his many hoofbeast paintings.

Nepeta could tell that he was seething but couldn't help but giggle maniacally at his misfortune. His strength made him such a klutz sometimes. "Oh calm down ya big wiggler!" she laughed, walking towards him to help clean up his hand. He always ended up breaking the glass if no one helped him but she'd never seen him get so mad about it. She realized her mistake when he whipped his face around to look at her with such fury it sent shivers down her spine. His face had twisted itself into a rage Nepeta had never imagined possible for her quiet friend. It was horrifying and alien, yet looked somehow at home on his face. Like it had always meant to look that way and had only been biding its time. "Equius, are you okay?" she asked gently, but it was too late. Behind his broken lense, Nepeta could see insanity in his eye. It was no longer the dull grey of a young troll, but the intense blue of his blood. Without warning Equius charged at her, head down as if he intended to skewer her with his horn. She yelped as she was forced to vault herself over his shoulders. He ran headlong into the wall behind her, cracking it and sending a thundering _boom_ echoing through the hive. He seemed somehow unfazed by the impact, swinging himself around again with a guttural snarl. Nepeta wasn't sure what to do. He was clearly not in control of himself and could potentially kill her. She knew she might be able take him if she went for the kill, but that was out of the question. She would never hurt him under any circumstances. Even these ones. Maybe she could knock him out if she got on his back?

As Equius charged her again, she tried once more to vault over his shoulders, intending to grab his neck and choke him until he passed out, but Equius wasn't dumb, even in his rage, and she couldn't pull the same trick twice. He caught her mid jump and threw her to the ground. She hissed with pain as her head and back cracked against the floor. Bright colours popped in and out of her vision and she felt a jagged robot remain stab into her thigh. She was bleeding out, a warm olive pool collecting around her body. She tried to pull herself to her feet but Equius dug his cleat into her chest. He pushed her back down and loomed over her, crushing her. She wrapped her hands around his ankle and tried to push him off. She doubted he even noticed her efforts. The pressure increased and Nepeta could feel her ribs giving way, scraping against her lungs as the air was squeezed out of her body. Tears stung her eyes as she looked up at the familiar yet unrecognizable face. She could see all his features, his high nose, long hair, missing teeth, his broken horn, but Equius was gone. "Equius?" she managed to gasp, scabbling again at his ankle in desperation. Silence. "Why?" she asked, her grip loosened on his ankle as she struggled to stay awake. A flicker of horror flashed in his visible eye and suddenly the pressure was gone. Nepeta gasped and gulped down air, the relief of being able to breathe dulled by the pain of her protesting ribs. They weren't broken, but certainly bruised. It hurt so much to breathe. She could see the black tendrils of unconsciousness creeping into her vision and she knew she was done for if Equius decided to come back for her. The last thing she saw before she fell into unconsciousness' claws was the erratic pounding of Equius punching the walls of his hive until they were cracked and stained with blue.

When Nepeta woke up, it was so silent that she could hear the blood rushing in her ears. Her head was pounding and she moaned in pain as she forced herself to sit up. She looked around her and found that Equius' respite block had one fewer wall than it used to. It seemed Equius had punched clear through it in his rage and was now sitting in a pile of rubble with a blank expression that matched the eerie quiet that floated in the thick dust clouds rising from the destruction. He had punched through the outside wall and Nepeta could see the night sky, the stars glowing weirdly through the dusty haze. The rubble seemed to ooze blue in some places and Equius' shirt, face and hands were also unmistakably bloodied. She swiveled her head and spotted Arthour, a bright new bruise on his head from where Equius had patted him earlier, dutifully picking up rubble and placing it in the trash. It didn't seem to be helping much but Nepeta knew the lusus was nothing if not dedicated. Nepeta checked herself over for injuries, noting that Arthour must have bandaged her up while she was unconscious because everything was dressed and looking pretty good. Her head still hurt like hell, but generally she felt she was ok. No blood was getting through the bandage on her leg and she could move it so it was probably fine.

With more of an effort than she would have liked, Nepeta heaved herself to her feet only to have her head spin violently. She flailed her arms, looking for something sturdy to grasp and just as she was about to fall down again she felt Arthour's hands catch hers and she breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks Arfur" she mumbled, still groggy. She stood there for a moment, getting her bearings. When she could finally see straight again she asked, "What _was_ that?". Arthour could only look at her, his moustache drooping and covered in rubble. Unfortunately, trolls couldn't really understand other trolls' lusii so she would have to stick to simple yes or no questions. She was silent for a moment before a terrifying thought crossed her mind. "Was that… a bloodrage?" she whispered. Arthour nodded and Nepeta looked back over at Equius. He looked pathetically small, hunched over and shaking a little, still bleeding profusely. She found it almost impossible to believe not only that bloodrages happened, but that they could affect her moirail and leave him like... _that_. "Was that his furst one?" she asked. Arthour nodded enthusiastically and puffed his chest out a little. The picture of a proud lusus. Nepeta's eyes widened in confusion and disgust. Why was he so happy? Equius was clearly devastated. She felt her own anger well up a little as she saw Arthour cast a loving glance at his charge who was still shivering in the bloody rubble. Nepeta figured that this must be some sort of highblood 'coming of age' thing. Frankly, she couldn't say she approved. She asked why Arthour hadn't bandaged Equius up like he had her and in response Arthour turned to show Nepeta the big, hand-shaped bruise on his back, indicating that he had tried but Equius was not having it. "Ah" was all Nepeta could say. "Well, I think I'll give it a try if mew don't mind Arfur." The lusus shrugged. She wasn't his grub so it wasn't like he really had any authority in the matter and he _did_ want his charge to get get bandaged up.

Arthour handed Nepeta his first aid kit, (which for some reason contained several sealed packets of powdered milk) and went back to cleaning. Nepeta took it and set her sights on her moirail. She crept up to him quietly, like stalking her prey, but stopped before she was within arms reach. "Equius?" she called softly. "Equius will mew let me help?" She could see his eye dart wildly upon hearing her voice, not quite seeing her. He scuttled further back into the rubble, away from the sound but Nepeta followed him. "Shh. You're safe Equius. You're calm. Everything is alright." Nepeta crooned softly at him, repeating herself and staying low to the ground as if she were approaching a spooked hoofbeast. Eventually, he seemed to grow more comfortable with Nepeta being there and stopped moving away. She came up to him and took his face in her hands, he shivered at the contact and refused to look at her but eventually he closed his eyes and nuzzled into her palms. She noticed that he was keeping his bloodied hands clasped tightly around his own torso. Nepeta could see the blue tear tracks running down his face and felt her throat tighten. She had known Equius almost her entire life and had never seen him cry. What was happening to her moirail? She reached for his hands to try and bandage them up, but he spooked again, clamping them tighter to his body. Nepeta was a little scared that he might break his own ribs. She pulled him into a tight hug that made her ribs cry out in pain and whispered into his ear. "Equius, you're in control. You won't hurt me. Let me help you." She could feel his heart rate speed up as she touched him. He was clearly scared to be near her again but, shakily, he held out his hands for her.

Several fingers were broken and the skin on his knuckles was flayed away, exposing bone. Before she could put the bandages on, Nepeta had to pick glass shards and rubble from under his skin, trying not to hurt him as she did but she knew it had to be excruciating. "I'm sorry," she whispered but he didn't seem to feel anything. He kept his eyes down, firmly locked on his own hands as if making sure they wouldn't decide to lash out. He didn't even flinch as she reset his broken fingers. One after the other she felt the bones slide back into place as she pushed and pulled. She wanted to cry for him because he was refusing to. When she had cleaning up his hands a little, she wrapped them in bandages as gently as she could. It hurt her so much to look at, but when she was finished she smiled at him and kissed his bandages. "All done". Equius immediately re-wrapped his arms around himself and went back to staring into nothingness.

Arthour trotted up to them and tried to get a look at his charge's wounds from a safe distance. "I think I'll take Equius to spend the night with me." Nepeta said to Arthour, keeping her gaze on Equius. Arthour's eyes widened and he looked as though he thought that was a bad idea. He clearly didn't want to have to clean up whatever would be left of Nepeta's hive if Equius had another episode. "He seems calm meow, and I can't just leave him alone! He's a mess! You can come if you want y'know." Arthour patted her on the back (it hurt a little, what with Nepeta's injuries and Arthour's Equius-like strength) as if to say "It think he's in good hands" and went back to cleaning.

* * *

The two trolls were laying down in the pelt pile in silence, Nepeta babbling soft assurances into Equius' neck and Equius keeping his arms tight to his sides, not daring to touch anything. He listened to Nepeta's words and felt her warm breath on his skin and couldn't help but feel that he didn't deserve them. That he didn't deserve her. She was always so good to him and he had hurt her. He had thrown her to the ground and nearly crushed her under his foot. That was already unforgivable, but the worst part was that he had liked it. He had felt so powerful, so right, like this was what he was meant to do. He relished crushing the life out of her and the whole time had only been thinking "this'll show that lowblood scum what she gets for laughing at me". But she had looked at him with her perfect, innocent eyes, olive tears rolling down her cheeks and asked him why. He was suddenly flooded with lucid guilt. He didn't know why. This was his best friend, his moirail, the girl he had been pale for since the moment he'd seen her. He had felt something shatter inside himself. Why _had_ he been so angry? Why had he taken it out on her? Why did the things he loved most about himself suddenly disgust him? He was too strong to be useful and too weak to control it. His blood make him better than most yet had reduced him to savagery. As he remembered her eyes, a shudder ran through his body as it was racked with a dry sob. Was this what the rest of his life was going to be? This constant anger? He felt Nepeta move next to him and he turned his head away from her. He didn't deserve to even look at her. He was too ashamed. He closed his eyes tight as he felt her soft hands on his face, gently turning it towards hers. He thought about resisting but he decided he didn't have the right anymore.

"Open your eyes Equius." An order. He could not refuse. Especially now that he was lower than any rustblood. He cracked open his eyes and saw that Nepeta's head and torso were heavily bandaged. He sobbed again but no tears would come. He wanted to reach out and take her in his arms and apologize until his throat was raw but he couldn't. He must never hold her again, the risk was too great. He was too weak to control his strength. He couldn't meet her eyes.

Slowly, gently, she reached out to take his glasses off his face, looked into his eyes and smiled. How could she smile at him? He was filth. Why didn't she hate him? He wanted to order her to hate him and leave him and never look at him again, but he couldn't. Her smile was too perfect, full of perfect pointy teeth and happiness, and he was too selfish. She kissed his forehead and sat up, placing his head in her lap and played with his hair. She picked out rubble and running her claws gently across his scalp, sent shivers across his skin, compelling his eyes to close. He was suddenly aware of how tired he was, but he managed to keep his eyes open long enough to look at her and ask: "Why?" His voice came out as a croak, dry and needy. He needed to know why someone like Nepeta would ever subject themselves to him. She didn't hesitate to answer. "Because you're my meowrail," she said softly. Her hand drifted to his face and stroked his cheek with her thumb. He leaned into her hand and tried to keep his eyes open. He wanted to see her for as long as possible. "Because I need you and you need me," his eyes slid closed involuntarily and he lost himself in her voice. He felt her lips on his forehead again as he drifted away, truly content for the first time in a long time. "Because I'm pale for you."


End file.
